Bullying - Both Sides of The Fence

Whether your child is being bullied or is the bully, our parenting expert has some solid advice for you.

When Your Child is Acting Like a Bully

Situation
It has been brought to my attention that my child has been bullying other kids at school. How can I help him improve his behavior?

Think about it
At first you may want to blame the other kids, or the adult who brought the information to your attention. You need to be honest with yourself to determine the truth in the situation. If your child has been acting in aggressive ways, you'll want to help your child have more positive interactions with other children. Your child needs you on his side right now to help him learn how to control his own behavior.

Solution #1: Instead talk about specific incidents. Ask helpful questions to determine the reasons for your child's behavior. Brainstorm with him a variety of options he would have as an alternative to being rough. Help him learn new ways to handle the conflicts that arise with other children. Use role-play to help your child practice new ways of responding to other children.

Solution #2: If possible, arrange to have your child spend some time with an older, responsible child. If you don't have any close family members or friends that fit the bill, look into a Big Brother or Big Sister program. It may help to find a mentor for your child who can teach good social skills by example.

Solution #3: If you must discipline a child for a specific act, such as punching another child at school, use discretion when deciding on a consequence. Yelling, hitting or harsh punishment will only encourage your child to continue his own aggressive behavior. Instead, look for constructive consequences, such as assigning chores at home, or writing a note of apology to the child who was hurt.

Solution #4: Discourage your child from spending time with friends who behave in aggressive ways. (See: Friends, inappropriate choice of.) Encourage your child to become involved in an organized youth activity. Participation in a team or group often gives a child the social experience he may be lacking. Another option is to enroll him in one of the social skills classes that are now appearing in schools, churches and hospitals.

Solution #5: Enroll your child in a quality martial arts school. Visit the school first and watch a few classes in action before you mention the idea to your child. Choose a program with smaller class sizes. An authentic program will teach restraint, respect, and self-control. A good martial arts teacher will convey a quiet, reserved confidence. Talk with the teacher in advance of classes to let him know your concerns about your child's behavior, and what you are looking to achieve with the class. An experienced teacher should make you feel confident that you are making the right choice for your child. This may be just what your child needs to learn to control his physical power, and to develop self-discipline. (And it's heartwarming to see your child bow to the master and hear him end every sentence with a hearty "Sir" or "Ma'am"!)

Special Note: If your child displays a continuing pattern of aggression he may display other negative behaviors as well. He may display signs of low self-esteem, have problems in school, spend excessive time alone, and have a hard time controlling his anger. If this were the case, it would be wise to seek professional counseling for your child, so that the reason for the behavior can be discovered, and the child can learn to control his emotions and learn to succeed socially.

When Your Child is the Victim of a Bully

Situation
A bully is picking on my child. What can I do to stop this?

Think about it
As much as you'd like to step in and solve this problem yourself, it's probably in your child's best interest to teach him how to solve the problem. Once he's learned the skills to stand up for himself he can use them in other life situations.

Solution #1: Teach your child how to respond to a bully in a bold assertive way. Practice with him at home in a role-play situation. Demonstrate the difference between cowering and whispering, "Oh, go away, please leave me alone." versus standing tall, using a deep, loud, voice and saying with authority, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Solution #2: Suggest that your child stick with two or more other children when at the playground, the bus stop or wherever he comes face to face with the bully.

Solution #3: If the bully problem is at school, tell your child that if he's not successful in fending the bully off on his own it's okay to ask for help from a teacher or playground attendant. Rehearse with him what to say when he approaches an adult for help so he doesn't sound like he's whining or tattling. "Excuse me, Mr. Watanabe, but Jason keeps chasing me and throwing stones at me. I've asked him to stop but he won't." If your child practices saying this at home he will come across sounding confidant and will more likely get assistance from the teacher.

Solution #4: Teach your child to turn and walk away from a child who is being a verbal bully, without so much as a word. Being ignored may cause the bully to give up.

Solution #5: Determine if your child has healthy friendships with other children. If your child is a regular victim and doesn't have many friends, she can benefit by developing better social skills. Encourage your child to invite friends over to your home or to invite them to accompany you on an outing.

Special Note: If your child tries many different approaches but is continually harassed by a bully, or if the bully is physically aggressive, you may need to step in. It is rarely, if ever, effective to approach the bully or his parent's directly. Instead, approach the school principal or other person in a position of authority. If you lose your temper and yell, it will be unlikely you'll get the help you need. Instead, take the time to think about what you will cover in the meeting, and call ahead for an appointment. Outline the specific behaviors that you are concerned with, review the tactics you have used to try to stop the behavior, and have several suggested solutions in mind. Approach the principal with a calm, matter-of-fact attitude and you should be able to put together a plan to control the situation.

 More You Might Like:
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Preventing School Bullying and Protecting Your Child


About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is author of Perfect Parenting, Hidden Messages, & Kid Cooperation, and president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues. Elizabeth's newsletter, Parent Tips is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Twins, Working Mother, and Woman's Day magazines.

Balancing Youth Sports and Family Life: How to Find Balance & Reclaim Family Time

Raising sports active kids is difficult, perhaps more today than ever before. Parents feel pressure to help their kids succeed. They want to keep up with other parents in an increasingly winner-take-all society. Too often, parents just like you feel that if they don't do everything for their child, they are bad parents.

In fact, surveys show that today's sport active kids and their parents get too caught up in the crazy sports vortex. Today's parents spend eleven hours less a week with their teenagers than they did two decades ago. The average mother spends less than a half hour per day talking with her teens. Only six out of ten 15 and 16 year olds regularly eat dinner with their parents. Family vacations are down by 28 percent. Sports have replaced church on Sunday for many families. Children are being benched for missing practice to be with their families on religious holidays.

Surveys also show that your children most likely lament the lack of parental attention. They want to spend more time with you, not less. They want more free time, not less.

I sincerely believe it's time to reclaim our family time. Here's how you can find a balance between your children's youth sport activities and your family life:

Schedule family time. Set aside one night a week or month as Family Game Night. Choose a board game, play card games, make tacos, and just be together. Make it sacred time.

Consider your travel time. Before you allow your children to play a particular sport, or on a particular team, consider your travel time to practices and games. Other things to consider include: your work schedule as well as your spouses, your children's school schedule and homework demands, carpool availability, and the needs of other family members.

 

Look for balanced sports programs. Look for leagues and clubs that balance sports, family and school life. Make sure the program emphasizes having fun more than winning. Children shouldn't be penalized for missing practice on Christmas Eve to be with their family.

Find a balance between sports. Introduce your children to sports such as golf, tennis, squash, racquetball, cycling, sailing, windsurfing, rock climbing, jogging, kayaking, rowing, or canoeing that they can enjoy after their competitive careers are over. Encourage your children to engage in sports and activities with you as long as they enjoys them, like bike riding, hiking, skating, sailing, and running. Encourage them to play different sports and avoid early specialization. It will them develop a variety of transferable motor skills such as jumping, running, twisting and simultaneously reduce the risk of overuse injuries that too often result from early specialization.

Allow for a social life outside of sports. Being on a travel or select team often requires a year-round or near year-round commitment and extensive travel. If you allow your children to participate, they can end up socially isolated from the family, their peers and the larger community. The athletic role can become so consuming and controlling that their childhood essentially disappears. Early specialization can thus interfere with normal identity development, increasing the risk that a child will develop what psychologists call a one-dimensional self-concept in which they see themselves solely as an athlete instead of just a part of who they are.

Coach your child's team on "kid time". Too many parents fall victim to the idea that practices have to happen after an adult's workday is over. This falls during the dinner hour, when children should be spending time with their family. With the new statistics of parents (primarily mothers) working from home, why not get your coaching license and run the practice in the afternoon right after school is over? This will give you time to be with your children and their friends and still be home in time for dinner with the rest of the family.

It is possible to create balance within your family's everyday life, even with children who participate in sports. But it is up to you as the parents to make certain that your kids don't over schedule and that they establish the right priorities.

What's Related
Achieving Balance in Your Family
Surviving Little League
The Cost of Competition on Kids
The Simpler Family

 

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About the Author
Brooke de Lench, Youth Sports Parenting Expert and author of Home Team Advantage: The Critical Role of Mothers in Youth Sports has helped over 42 million moms and dads worldwide get the tools and information they need to make their child's youth sports experience safer, less stressful and more inclusive. For more information on balancing your child's sports life with your family life, go to www.momsteam.com and sign up for Brooke's free newsletter.

The Tbox - perfect for teens!

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The Tbox Tampon Holder holds up to 8 tampons and comes in fun girlie designs. For locker use, the suction cup sticks to the side of lockers, or remove the suction cup to carry in a backpack. No one has to see tweens/teens personal hygiene items ever again!

Get more information about how to buy the Tbox at http://www.tboxgirl.com/

Keep the Kids Busy with These Exciting Travel Games!

With summer vacations coming up shortly, show the kids that there's life beyond video games by introducing them to some great travel games such as:

Chips Game 
Roll the dice, then take out the matching chip point total. But don't get stuck with too many points left over, because the player with the lowest point total wins!! It's fast and fun!

The suggested age to play the game is 8 and up but my 7 yr. old had no problem keeping up with the game and even beating her brother at it! My kids challenge each other to winning this game all of the time. One great thing about this game is that it doesn't have a lot of bulky pieces with it. It comes altogether in a little pouch. My son even packs it in his backpack to play at school with his friends during their "free" time instead of texting
the whole time!

Suggested ages: 8 and up
1-4 players
Suggested Retail Price: $5.95

Squiggle 20 Questions 
SQUIGGLE® 20 Questions is a guessing good time! It’s entertaining and thought-provoking for kids and adults.

To Play: One player spins the wheel and turns the squiggly line into something in that category without the other players seeing. When ready, the other players get to ask up to 20 questions before they give their best guess of what was drawn. The player who guesses correctly gets to draw next.

My family and I have had a riot playing this game. No two people will see the squiggly line on the paper as the same thing. You will laugh and be
surprised at the things that people will come up with! It's a bit challenging
for my younger daughter but that was to be expected since the recommend
ages are 10 and up. This game will bring out the hidden artist in you. Hahaha!

Suggested ages: 10 and up

Suggested Retail Price: $4.99

Mind Jewel 
The object is to transform all the gems into a beautiful jewel. Deceptively difficult, all the gems are connected by a string that twists and snaps to create a sphere. It’s a beauty!

This game is more challenging than you think. Once you stretch out the string of gems, putting it back together takes some thinking and swift moves. It's a great challenge game for kids to see who, if anyone, can
put it back together!

Suggested Retail Price: $9.99

Beyond The Blues: Kids and Depression

Over 11 million prescriptions were written last year for kids with depression. That did not include those who didn't even see a doctor.

Growing up is never easy. It is a time of upheaval and emotional storms. The very openness children exuded and were rewarded for seems to invite penalties as they grow beyond adolescence They are exulting in their hoped-for independence even as they are frightened by the demanding, often-uncaring world of adulthood. During this confusing period, they end up changing from one mode to the other so often and so rapidly that it confounds their parents. Teenagers often turn to actions that provide emotional stimulation to counteract feelings of self-induced emptiness and low self-esteem.

All kids get sad or upset about things now and then: getting a bad grade on a test, arguing with a friend, being grounded, or being without a date for a big dance. These temporary disappointments are not necessarily depression, but stress in its many forms and the inability to deal with stress is a major factor in creating and exacerbating the problem.

Changes in behavior are normal as our kids try to figure out who they are and what they believe in. Most depressed kids are troubled by who they are, how others perceive them, and what parents, peers, and the world at large expect of them. Researchers believe depression affects 3 percent to 5 percent of preteens and up to 15 percent of adolescents with girls suffering from depression at twice the rate of boys. In an alarming study by Seventeen Magazine, 28 percent of girls said they feel depressed every day or at least a few times a week. Girls are looking to peers for validation and it is often hard for them to retain a positive self-image. Adolescent girls undergo more life changes than boys and for yet unknown reasons, they are more vulnerable to negative life events, while the sources of stress in boys are more commonly school performance or other factors outside of social relationships, such as a move to another home. The good news is that serious depression in our children is treatable but it is often difficult to diagnose. The symptoms may be mistaken for Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) causing misdiagnosis and incorrect treatment.

What should parents and teachers look for?

See more about Kids and Depression on FamilyCorner.com